Saturday, July 09, 2005

Mama Pajama Rolled Out of Bed and Went to the Police Station

So I recently posted about how Tom Cruise is a grimey bastard and all and I said I would post again with how exactly my depression and anxiety disorers (which, by his thoughts, doesn't even exist) has negatively effected my life.

The first thing that comes to mind is 8th grade. I had begun to hang out once again with some friends from when i was little. One's name was Aimee and we had been friends since I was incredibly small 'cause she lived down my road and in this part of SC, any children within a mile of each other that aren't family is astounding! The other's name was Sonya and we'd been friends around 1st grade for a bit since she and Aimee were friends back then and all and they both road my bus.
So in around 8th grade, we were hanging out again and I would have done anything for these girls. They were the best. Sonya had no interest in me and that I'm almost certain of. But Aimee is another question. People kept saying she liked me and all but I was too down on myself to even hear it. And even more, I could never ask her about it or make any sort of move towards being with her 'cause my anxiety didn't allow it. I'd freeze up and all and though I wanted nothing more than to be with her (we had more in common than almost any other female and I have ever had), I was too anxious to even ask her if she had any interest in me. So my anxiety forced me to pass that one up. But according to Tom Cruise, it was my fault for not exorcising and loving L. Ron Hubbard.

'Round about the same time (but at the end of that school year), there was another girl named Brandy. I'd been eyeing this girl for a long time at this point because there was something about her I dug. Well one day on a field trip (in Coloumbia, I think. May have been Charleston.), we were on a boat for a scenic trip or something and I was sitting next to the two girls above mentioned (I think I was, anyway) and Brandy was somewhere in the area and to my left and she was like "You're really cute" and ya know what I said? NOTHING! Anxiety kicked in and I froze and just nodded my head at her.
Same girl only sometime later. School was getting out rather soon and I was letting people sign my yearbook at first break and it was almost exclusively girls and I was talking to a friend and when I got it back, I saw a note left by Brandy that said something along the lines of "You don't know me but I think you're cute. Call me sometime" and then it had her phone number and her sister's phone number in case she wasn't at home. I was super thrilled but, of course, I couldn't call. To me, this girl was at least a high 9 and I just couldn't call her. I did attempt to call her one time with my cousin but when someone picked up, I freaked out and hung up.
But again, it must have been a lack of exorcise and a lack of love for L. Ron Hubbard, not anxiety...

Next year I'm still hanging with the same people for the most part and still too anxious to try to advance things with anyone. But then one day at first break, this cute and curly-haird blonde comes up to me and she's like "You want some Cheet-Os?!" and I'm like "No that's ok..." and she does this for the next few weeks or something but it seems she kind of uses that to lead in to talking to me. We talk a bit and one day she hands me a letter. Sometime in all of this, I find out her name is Lindsey and she tells me I look like her ex boyfriend from Maine (which excited me that I could remind her of someone she once dated). But in the letter, she was just talking about normal stuff but she gave me her screenname and her phone number. I'd just got the Internet a few weeks before which was like a sign to me.
So I IM her, we talk, and we become great friends. We talk on the phone all the time but she get mad at me for only saying 'ok' which is something I do when I get anxious. But we talk a lot and I'm falling for this girl insanly hard and fast. I mean, she writes "Love ya!" at least once in every letter and after each IM! But it seems that every so often, she mentions her recent ex boyfriend from Marion named Kemp (it may be been Kent, I don't know) that recently broke up with her. So she brings him up and says she misses him a lot and my heart sinks. But I finally do get the courage to email her and tell her that I really really like her and want her and all and she gives a sort of ambiguous response. She does tell me, though, that if not for Kemp she'd probably be with me.
This girl meant the world to me at that time. She was the most unique person I'd met for a long time. And we dug the same things. Like shortly after my favorite wrestler (Chris Jericho) from the former WCW left for what once was WWF, he'd been in a rivalry with The Rock 'cause his premeire interupted The Rock. So that caused heat between them and all and she and I were on the phone for a little bit one night watching RAW and she was a Rock fan and I was a Jericho fan and we were talking about how one was better than the other and all but she had to go so we hung up. Then like ten minutes later, Rock and Jericho had a run-in or something and she called me back just to cheer on The Rock and diss Jericho then she said she had to go. That was amazing to me.
But over the summer, we hardly spoke 'cause she was never home and I became incredibly depressed b/c I saw for the first time that I LOVED someone for real. Then the next year at school, it continued. She came up to some friends I was with and spoke to them but ignored me. I was CRUSHED. My depression and anxiety hit a new high.

That year, though, I liked a ton of people. It never amounted to anything, they never knew, and I never talked to them, but I liked them.

But the following year, I got together with Ana. I also met my friend Matt that year. Ana and I had a lot in common and dated for a few months but it crashed and burned because we both had anxiety out the ass. We wouldn't talk in person hardly at all. We were both seen as freaks or weirdos anyway so we worked in the eyes of most. Hell, I think we would have had an amazing relationship if we both didn't have anxiety problems. She was (and still is) a very cool and unique person.
But it didn't last, although like I said before, that was the year I met Matt. Matt and I were a lot a like and just having a close friend that I actually felt 100% comfortable with drove away some anxiety as long as he was around. That was a first.

Around the time of all of that with Lindesy, I met a cute-as-hell little girl (and I do mean little. She's like 5'1") girl named Ashton. Over many years, Ashton and I have wanted each other. She may deny it now but its true. We were great friends and I felt relaxed around her like I did with Matt almost except that she confused me. She would like me one day and dislike me the next.
This went on from 8th grade until I graduated. She's one of my favorite people that I've ever known. Anxiety wasn't the big problem here or anything, but it did play a part in it. Her fickleness was the main problem.

So my senior year was insane. Near the start, a girl that I, for some reason, LIKED named Helana started offering me BJs for things. Anxiety saved me here, though. I'm glad nothing went down with her. Not sure what was wrong with me. lol.

But a short time later, a girl that I'd had a short past with named Torie introduced me to this amazing girl named Christy. I'd been single at this point for over a year 'cause I didn't want to be tied down to anyone. But over the next day or two, Torie told me online that Chirsty liked me and I thought she was lying out her ass. Its interesting to note that in my blog, I'd posted how beautiful she and her eyes were on the day that I met her first. There was no imperfect thing about that girl to me. She was more beautiful than anyone I'd ever seen and she was sweet and funny and just amazing. I'd given ANYTHING for her and one day, she wrote me a letter confirming that she really did like me.
I was not fool so I jumped right on it and asked her out and she said yes. We went out for 6 o 7 months but it felt like eternity to me (in a good way, I mean) but we never saw each other apart from at school and it was hard. My depression had all but gone away up to this point and then it came back. So one day, shortly after Valentine's day, she broke up with me because she thought it was because of her that I was depressed. I didn't take her back b/c I told her before she brokeup with me that if she did that then it was over forever (that was so hard for me to say and so untrue.) I didn't go to school the day after because I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep my composure and hold to my hardened talk about not caring anymore. I would have taken her back the second I saw a tear come from her eye.
Rumors went around the school that day that I'd killed myself which I wanted to do but couldn't because I loved her too much to not be in a world with her even if she wasn't mine.
But I didn't take her back just yet. First I was involved with Muriel. It was ok at first but then she started pissing me off. I think I felt bitter towards her and blamed her for me losing Christy or disliked her for not meeting my expectations I'd set for every girl for the future that I'd set with Christy.

A few months after Christy broke up with me, we got back together. My Pagan ass went to church for her just so we could hang out and I know just where we were in the building when she asked me out again. My life was whole once more. But a week later, we broke up because so many people told her I was all over her friend Katie one night while we were together and she didn't know who to believe so we ended again. It didn't hurt as bad this time (though it was a horrible pain even then. It was probably a difference like being shot with a 20 guage instead of a 12 guage.) but also because of Katie. I thought Katie was hot and I wanted her physically at least so I thought I'd give it a go with her. I changed my mind soon after. She was such a sweet girl but she wasn't Christy.

Christy all but fixed my depression and anxiety and then she handed it back to me after increasing it ten fold. But unfortunately, my current girlfriend doesn't get that once you REALLY love someone, it doesn't go away no matter what. At best, you may be able to love someone as much or something. You might think it's gone to make life easier but its still there deep inside. I can't lie either. When I see her even now, I have to hang my head as to not see her blue eyes and I get that feeling in my stomach and I have to take a deep breath and face the reality that it's over. I'd be a liar to say that it doesn't hurt to think about it, write about it, or hear about it/her. But it was LOVE, people. And like I hinted before, anyone who thinks you can stop loving someong you REALLY love has never been in love before.
I know the last bit may piss off or hurt my current girlfriend of over 2 years but I see it as reality. The reality is, once you really love someone, that's that. You're stuck. You may move and you may love someone more but you still will love that other person no matter what you say.

So anyway, this is just a BRIEF (but long) version of how many potential relationships have been destroyed in my life because of my depression and anxiety. So as stated in my other post, Fuck you Tom Cruise. I would NEVER choose to feel this way if I had any choice. I've been on medication for my problems for a few years now and I work out every chance I get and I still have the most horrible thoughts and I'm still depressed and my anxiety is still too strong to allow me to go into a fucking fast food store and tell them they forgot to give me my fucking fries.
Don't get me wrong, I feel great PHYSICALLY after working out but that's very temporary and if I saw/heard/read something to trigger a depressive episode, it's come along just as strong.

CHEMICAL IMBALANCES EXIST, TOM CRUISE! I don't care what aliens and L. Ron Hubbard have told you or written you ignorant and cocky fuck. It wouldn't hurt you to seek a little help yourself... At least maybe then you'd leave Brooke Shields and those of us with mental disorders alone. I mean, we don't tell you that pricks don't exist, though you clearly are one.

Ok I just had to get all of this out. Comment, people! I know a few people read my blog sometimes so COMMENT!! lol.

I shall post soon with some other stuff so keep thine eyes peeled.

-=The Prynce


carrie said...

does your girlfriend read your blog?

The Prynce said...

I dunno. Sometimes I guess. But we've had it out in the past about her getting pissed off about things in my blog. Odds are if she read this, she'd be pissed again but its my blog... She knows I say things that could offend people who are overly sensitive (including her) and she knows how I feel about people being that way.

Hell, I don't post half the things I feel on here 'cause I know that without a doubt that a lot of them would end our relationship and piss her off which could cause her to try to cause problems with me seeing my son and that shit won't float. But then again, if I'd always posted things that I feel just as I feel them, we'd have been over long ago, lol.

Anywho, this comment alone will probably create beef some day if/when she reads it so I think I'm done for now, lol.

Keep up the gravy posts!

-=The Prynce