Saturday, May 05, 2007

The Price is our own life until its gone...

I'm very tired.

Last night I met Heather and like... Three of her friends at Broadway. I was drained and totally unaccustomed to being awake at such a time but I dealt.
Anywho, those of you who know me well know my horrible anxiety. I mean, I've got GAD and SAD. I'm not a very social person. Especially when I'm around people I don't know and virtually no one that I do. And when I am able to be around people without freaking, I'm a pretty quiet person. I've always been like that unless I'm around certain people. So that was a bit of torture in and of itself.
They were cool people though. He friend Danny actually reminds me like... A LOT of a friend of mine from high school, Kel.
Heather's great, though. Incredibly tiny, though. Probably about the same size as Christy when we were dating which is... Again... Tiny. lol.
She still can't really get that I just don't talk a lot though. The rare times that I do talk a lot, it has to be in one-on-one situations unless I'm REALLY comfortable with everyone involved which is really rare.

I've been off the last two days and it feels like a fucking eternity! See, like, when I got home Thursday morning I went to bed early and got up early that afternoon, showered, then went and got Rian. It was raining or I was gonna take him to the park or something and since it was getting late, I just took him to Chik-Fil-A and after eating, I was gonna take him to their little indoor playland thingy and let him play.
But he kept messing around and not eating so it took forever...
Then before we could go play, he wet himself and it leaked out of his diaper and all over his pants. His diaper was really really full so I kinda see why... I just assumed he'd have a fresh one on when he left home. Or at least one that wasn't filled completely.
So anyway that killed our plans for playing which sucked because after I changed him and put his wet clothes in a bag, we had to leave of course and as we were leaving he was saying something like "I gonna play outside, Da-Da." which was what I was telling him we were gonna do when he finished eating.
I really hate disappointing him... Seriously... I know he's just a baby but I still don't want him to get mad at me and stuff of to begin to think that I don't keep my word.

But according to his mother, he said he had fun so that's good. He's also a little jerk, though as he also told her that I was mean and ate all of his chicken! All I did was eat a small piece so he'd eat one. And when that wasn't working, I had to tell him I was gonna eat it for him to eat. He'd say I could have it and I'd slowly put it towards my mouth and he'd scream "No Da-Da that's my chick" or something similar.
On a similar topic, I was telling someone about that and called him a little jerk or something and they noted that I word things strangely apparently. I'm not sure if she meant my calling him a jerk or not but if so (or if anyone else is like "That's a terrible thing to say!"), you've got to understand how I see him. Yeah, he's only two... But I see him as almost like a full grown person with a horrible vocabulary. I mean, he sits in the back of my car in his little seat when I pick him up and he constantly talks shit about my driving.
So, yeah. I love our relationship. He's my son and best friend all in one.

I mentioned my anxiety disorders earlier... They never went away when I was on anti-depressants although it was supposed to treat all of that, also.
My depression, however, did seem to at least fade into the background of my mind, though.
I came off of my medication probably over 6 months ago. It was one of those sad situations that politicians don't fucking understand where it came down to me having to choose between the medication I needed, a place to live and eating. I chose to drop the medication. The withdrawals from the Effexor was probably one of the worse months ever... There are these things called 'brain shivers' that occur almost non-stop with any movement you make. It feels a lot like it sounds... Like you brain just shivers really fast in your head... It sucked BADLY. I could hardly function. It was like having an incredibly high fever for a month straight.

Nonetheless, I came off of them and I was fine. My depression didn't come pounding at my door and I thought the chemical imbalance in my brain had corrected itself while I was medicated or something.

Alas, it did not.

I haven't been nearly as bad off lately as I used to be, but over the past week or so I've felt it creeping back in. Maybe I've just been tired which I know from experience can cause depressive feelings in me. I don't know.
My fear, however, is that its what I feel it might be which is (in hurricane terms) the 'outer rain bands' of the approaching storm.

The good part of all of this is that I feel more like me when I'm depressed. That was when I had creativity spilling out of my body, though I rarely acted on it.
And if you're a fan of my older blog posts (which more people were than are my current shite posts, lol) then maybe I can somehow fall back into that groove. I dunno.

At any rate, I'm out of shite to say so... I dunno...

-=The Prynce


Anonymous said...

for the record, when i said what i said about you wording stuff strangely i did not mean for it to sound bad. it's just funny and all, you calling your son a jerk. i think it's cool that you guys are able to spend more time together, i know it means alot to you. and as we discussed last night...please don't resort to re-medicating yourself. in the end, it's really not worth it, and you KNOW i'm here to help you thru it so...for what it's worth...take it or leave it. lol.

Anonymous said...

Bitch he had his diaper changed right before you left. CHECK IT once in a damn while. He pisses like a horse.

Rian's Mother.

Anonymous said...

p.s. damn i remember those brain shivers..that was a scary time for me too. i don't think i knew how to handle it quite as well as i should have. sometimes you just need someone to listen to know? i'm always trying to fix fix fix everything. ppl, things, situations,'s one of my greatest assets but also one of my greatest flaws...when in reality i just really wanted to hold you and make everything better. as gay as that sounds.. regardless...this just got me thinking again, about the medication and all, and i'm really glad you were able to get off of them. most people don't realize that they have it within themselves to make it thru their issues. trust me, i'd like to be drunk all the time (sometimes) but it's always a temporary cure. shit is still there...i'm here for you though and i hope you know that. even as much as i nag you and get upset about some stuff, you can talk to me about anything. please do.